Total Forgiveness

Before we get started, I want to apologize for taking so long to blog about forgiveness. I knew this area would be a tough one. If at anytime during this blog I offend you please know that I am truly sorry and that was not my intention at all. I am simply blogging "my” spiritual journey as a reference for myself. I only decided to make it public because I felt like that is what God called me to do, in hope that it would help someone else. Which by the way I am so glad to know that is it!!! Thank you all for the e-mails. I really appreciate them. They inspire me and help hold me accountable. ; )

Now with that mess out of the way on with the show…… You might want to grab a large latte because I have a feeling this will be a long one. ; )

For awhile now, I have had several unanswered questions about forgiveness. I have never really worked on this area of my life. I think I always knew it would be a pretty hard journey and that I would be doomed to failure. For those of you who know me, know that failure is not in my vocabulary. So I never tackled the task. I just continued detaching myself from everyone who hurt me and making myself believe that I had forgiven them.

Over the past few weeks, God has really given me the strength, courage, and a road map (I guess you could say) for my journey. I can’t believe in just the short time that I have been focusing on forgiveness God had given me the answers to all my questions! I tell you what the power of prayer never ceases to amaze me!!

Ok, so I am sitting in church Wednesday night and go figure the sermon was on Joseph and forgiveness. It was like the sermon was wrote especially for me. I was so thankful to finally get some answers but after church I still had one lingering question. How do I know if I have truly forgiven someone? When I got home I was talking with Paul (my husband) about it and he said why don’t you pull out that R.T. Kendall book on Total Forgiveness to see if it will help. I had forgotten all about that book. I had bought it awhile back when he came to preach at our church but never really took the time to read it. I had just flipped through it and thrown it in my nightstand to collect dust. So I grabbed it out of my nightstand, blew the dust off, and started flipping through it. Once again I am find nothing!! I start to get discouraged and then all the sudden I came across a section called Applying Joseph’s Example to Ourselves. The minute I saw it I knew God was answering my final question about forgiveness.

Now I will admit the first week of this whole forgiveness thing was very frustrating. I was really getting discouraged and about gave up. Then the second week I was so overwhelmed with all the answers God had given me that it took me a week to process it all. I am so glad that I finally faced my fear of failure, found the answers I was searching for, and am now armed for my journey of forgiveness. I hope that you will be able take the information below and apply it to your life as well. Now time to get our smart on……….

Unfortunately, all of us have experienced hurt at least once in our life and we all handle it in different ways. Some of us enable the person that hurt us, some of us detach, and depending on the person we could possibly do both. Personally, I am a detacher. When someone hurts me I will keep them at arms length. Over the years, I have learned to use that as a defense mechanism. I use to always say, hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me. Once I get hurt that wall goes up and does not come down. I typically write that person off. I know that is a horrible way to be but when you have been hurt as many times as I have you learn quickly how to protect yourself.

Now, on the total opposite side of the spectrum. I have a sweet friend that is what I call a “peacemaker.” She is a perfect example of an enabler. She will do anything to avoid conflict, even if it means her getting hurt in the process. Where I have nothing else to do with the offender, she will continue to submitting herself to being hurt over and over again.

So how in the world do we break these habits? How do we forgive and give grace to someone that has hurt us? We don’t want to continue being an enabler or detacher. So we have to rely on our fear of the Lord to give us the strength that will help us bestow grace upon our offender and forgive them of their sin. After we have been able to forgive our offender then we need to put them to the test to see if they have had a change of heart. Once you know for certain that they have had a change of heart then you can restore the relationship.

How can you be sure that the person has had a change of heart?

Here are three ways you can tell……..

1) They admit their mistake.

2) They recognize the consequences of their mistake.

3) If tempted again they choose a Godly path.

Once they have completed all three steps then restoration can begin. You can not put someone through the test just to see that they have changed and not try to restore the relationship. Just because you have forgiven someone that does not mean you have to be best friends again and start planning a family vacation together. It does mean that we have to release the bitterness that is in our hearts towards them. Be prepared because this process can take a very long time and will take a whole bunch of grace on your part.

So what happens if they do not have a change of heart?

If someone continues to hurt you over and over again, go the Lord tell him you have tried to restore the relationship and that they have not attempted to change. You still must forgive them, continue to bestow grace upon them, and of course continue to pray for them. It is also important to maintain a healthy relationship with them if possible. If you see them in the store say hello. If they are broken down of the side of the road stop and pick them up. Ect, ect....We are only responsible for our actions and our walk with God. Others need to be accountable for their own actions and their walk with God. In Romans 12:18 it states, If it is at all possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with all men. “If it is at all possible” releases us from having to endure continued abuse from our offender. We have to except the fact that some people will not have a change of heart and it will not be possible to restore some relationships. When that happens continue to pray for that person but be able to move forward with Gods work. There are plenty of other people in this world that would love to have a relationship with you.

How do you know if you have really forgiven someone?

1) You do not let anyone know what someone has done to you: The reason we tell everyone what has been done to us is for the self satisfaction of making the other person look bad. We want to hurt their reputation in exchange for hurting us. This is not saying that you can’t talk to your best friend about it. Just as long as it is for therapeutic reasons and that you trust that person to never repeat it.

2) Do not allow anyone to be intimidated or afraid of you: When we have not totally forgiven someone it gives us pleasure to know that our offender is afraid of us.

3) We want them to forgive themselves and not feel guilty: Forgiveness is worthless to us emotionally if we can not forgive ourselves. Sometimes we like to punish people by making them feel guilty when we should be wanting them not to feel guilty or upset with themselves. We need to be able to show them that God let it happen for a reason.

4) We will let them save face: Now my husband is good at this one, but me whew it’s a hard one for me. I am one of those “I am right” all the time people and for me to let someone who has wronged me save face is super hard! For those of you that have never heard that expression, it means to not let the person not feel guilty about what they have done, make the person look good not bad, or even hiding a person’s mistake from people so they won’t be embarrassed.

5) We will protect them from their greatest fear: This one is for all you blackmailers out there. God does not hold our fears over our heads. When someone is guilty of blackmail, it gets Gods attention. He won’t stand for it. To hold another person in perpetual fear by threatening, “I’ll tell on you",” will quickly bring down the wrath of God.

6) It is a life long commitment: you must keep forgiving that person for as long as you live. Have you ever heard someone say, “I thought you forgave me for that?” The other person says, “Well, that was yesterday.” We can’t just forgive and then un-forgive whenever we want to. Total forgiveness must be a life long commitment.

7) We will pray for them to be blessed: No one said this forgiveness stuff would be easy. Why do you think I have been putting it off for so long. lol It does say in Matthew 5:44 “But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” I know it is hard but once you are able to pray blessings on the lives of your offenders and ask God to show them favor rather than punish them. You have achieved total forgiveness!!

If you have achieved all of these seven principals then you are as close as you can come to achieving total forgiveness. I hope all of this information helped you guys as much as it has helped me. Now that I have all the information (the road map) I now know which direction to go starting my new journey. I realize this will take time and will not happen over night. I plan is to just take it one step at a time. If I do that and stick with it, then one day I will achieve total forgiveness. I hope you will too!

I wanted to let everyone know that next week I will be showing my appreciation to my readers by giving away a $25 gift card to the restaurant of your choice. I will post the winner in Monday’s blog. To enter just send an e-mail to kgauthi@gmail.com and tell me your favorite restaurant. : )

Hugs & Prayers,

Kimberly