Week 4

A lot has happened this past week. My positive attitude was really put to the test.

Since I was twenty seven I have had to deal with horrible back pain. After having Hannah, I also started having problems with my hip and hands. I was told by two orthopedic surgeons that I had arthritis and then I was pushed off to physical therapy.

With my hip getting worse, I realized that I had to do something. I was faced with two options surgery or going to a rhemetologist. So I decided to see a rhemetologist. Seeing how I am not much for knives. For those of you how know me, know that knives and I do not get along. lol

Back in January I suck it up and go to a rhemeatologist. He did some test to see exactly what was going on. All of the test came back normal except one so the doctor wanted to do some more test to rule out Lupus. Never in my life did it occur to me that I could have Lupus. When you are in your mid 30's you just don't think about things like, Lupus, arthritis, total hip replacements, ect....

Of course as soon as he told me, all of those negative thoughts came rushing over me. What will my life be like in 20 years? Will I be around to see Hannah graduate, get married, or have her first child? All of this is going through my mind while the doctor is rambling on about this disease I could possibly have.

I had to take a deep breath, collect myself for a minute, and try to find the good in all of this. Maybe we caught it early enough? Maybe it will be a mild case of Lupus since my numbers were low? God will take care of me no matter what the results are. It was amazing that once I started thinking positive thoughts I had peace with the whole thing and came back to earth to hear the end of the doctors explanation of Lupus. I think the hardest part of this week is trying to stay positive while playing the waiting game for the test results. It is so easy to slide back into those negative thoughts.

All of that happened Monday, then on Thursday I was suppose to finally meet my little sister that I am going to mentor. Due to snow and sickness our meeting had already been put off 3 or 4 times. So when it started to snow Wednesday night all those negative thoughts came rushing back. I am never going to meet Lizze! Maybe this is not what God wants me to do. Why did I sign up for this? I really had to dig deep to get out of that negative ditch and not let that mean ole devil get in my thoughts.

Needless to say, God heard from me a lot last week. lol

Being positive is not an easy task. I constantly had to remind myself to be positive! Don't let those negative thoughts take over!! I do think with time and a lot of prayer I can become the positive person that God wants me to be. Because with God I can do all things. Right?

This week I have decided that I am asking to receive mercy from God to soften my heart. All of you know, that I am definitely not a Mrs. Duggar. I am not sure if I could ever be that meek. I have always been one to tell it like it is and tell you what I think whether you want to hear it or not. I have never been shy to offer my opinion. lol

I am also control freak. I want things done the way I want them and within the time frame that I think it should be done. I think this is the main reason I never ask anyone for help. I have alway said if you want it done right do it yourself.

Over the years, I have been hurt so much that it has really contributed to my hard attitude toward people. I put up a wall, a front if you will, so I can't get hurt. Once I trust someone enough to let the wall down, as soon as they hurt me that wall goes back up and that person never gets in again. I guess at that point you can say I am done.

Since I have been listening to Joyce, I have come to realize that not everyone is perfect (including me) so why do I only give people one chance? God gives me tons of chances everyday. He forgives me over and over and over. So why can't I do the same?

Well, with all that being said that is the reason I am asking God to soften my heart. I don't want to be hard, cold, and demanding anymore. I am not really sure how to become a Mrs. Duggar but I know with Gods help all things are possible!

I hope everyone has a great week and if you have a hard heart like me. Please join me this week and ask God to give you mercy and make that hard heart soft.

Hugs & Prayers,

Kimberly