It took me many years to understand how to hear the holy spirit. After reading John Eldredge's book Walking with God, I had a much better understanding. Sometimes it is very very hard to hear Him. Especially when you don't like what you hear or you feel uncomfortable with what he is asking you to do. God has asked me to do some pretty crazy things over the years and his request always seem to take me way out of my comfort zone. I will never forget the first time God asked me to do something for him.
I was pumping gas at Sam's and I see this old run down van parked in the parking lot. For some reason, I had the strongest urge to go over and ask the person if they needed any help. Now being new to this whole "hearing from God" thing, I ignored my urge, got back in my car, and drove home. Days later, I was still thinking about that person and how I should have gone over to check on them. One morning I was on my way to TJ Maxx and I see the van again!!! This time it was parked at Cracker Barrel. Now seeing it at a different location, I realized that this person could possibly be homeless. Again, I had this overwhelming feeling that God wanted me to stop but I just could not get up the courage to approach this van. Partly because I was scared plus had no idea what to say to this person. So I drove right past Cracker Barrel and continued to TJ Maxx.
After walking around TJ Maxx and not being able to shop (yes, I did say that I was not able to shop lol) because I could not think about anything except how I had disobeyed God again. So after about 30 minutes of trying to building up my courage, I get in the car, and head back to Cracker Barrel. The whole way there (which was not far) I had a million thoughts going through my head and at the same time I am trying to prepare myself for possibly the most embarrassing moment of my life. Finally, I make it to Cracker Barrel and as I pull into the parking lot I saw that the van was already gone. I was too late. My heart just sunk deep into my chest. God had given me this second chance and I blew it. I blew it all because of hesitation, pride, and fear. Weeks went by and I would still randomly think about the person in the van. Then one day I was back at Sam's pumping gas. I look over and guess what I see? The VAN!!! God was actually going to give me ANOTHER chance? After I had failed already failed his TWICE????
This time I had no fear. I knew 100% that it was God asking me to help this person. I mean what else could it have been. Right? What are the odds I would run into this same van three different times? So I quickly finish pumping my gas and drive right over to Hardees to get them something to eat. As I pull up I see that it is a little old lady with everything she owned packed tightly all around her. This kind of threw me for a loop because this whole time I was assuming that it was a man. (which contributed to a lot of my fear) Anyway, so I get out of the car, Hardees bag in hand, and I introduce myself. After some small talk I try to explain to her that I felt like God wanted me to help her in some way and then offer her the food. She proceeded to tell me thank you and that she was fine and did not need to eat fast food because of her health. Ok so I felt about this big. lol Then she told me that she was waiting on her son to send her a bus ticket so she could go live with him. Now, I could tell that she was making this whole story up about her son, but I went along with it not wanting to hurt her feelings. So after talking to her for awhile, I told her that I would just leave the food beside the van in case she changed her mind. I drove around for a minute and when I went back her and the food were gone. To be honest, I left there feeling like I had failed again. I felt like I should have done more for her. Another few weeks go by and God puts her in my path again!!!! I am in Wal-mart shopping she passes me in the can food section. At first I was not sure it was her so I went ahead and checked out and scanned to parking lot for her van. There it was just a few rows over. I loaded up my groceries as fast as I could and drove over. As I pulled up I noticed she was eating potted meat and crackers. So I ask her if she wanted to join me for lunch? She said no thanks I already have lunch. So once again I was shot down.
At the time, Hannah was just a baby and I was having a really hard time adjusting to being a stay at home mom. As we were talking she mentioned that she use to be a stay at home mom. She explained to me how it was such a blessing for her and that it was the best part of her life. After we were done talking I gave her my number and told her if she ever needed anything to please call. (to this day she has not called) It took me several days to realize that God did not want me to help her. He wanted her to help me. He wanted me to realize that staying home with Hannah was the right decision and that it would also be the best part of MY life.
I share this story today, hoping that I can help or encourage someone else to (as someone commented yesterday on my blog) be still listen to God. Once you have heard what he has to say take that leap of faith and do as he ask.
Hugs & Prayers,
Kimberly
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